Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize