You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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