Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Never underestimate the power of titties
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
