You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
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