He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
