Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
