Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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