I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
