i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize