is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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