i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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