Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
