I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
