went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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