hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
