Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
