Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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