I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize