I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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