think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
