I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
