6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Randomize
