You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
