mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize