I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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