found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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