I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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