I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i dont even know how to be here
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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