Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
