Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
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