do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize