I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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