This dress was meant to end up on your floor
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
