can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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