If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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