Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
