If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
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