I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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