: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
