i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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