his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
