i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
