Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Oh god it's open bar.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
