Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
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