Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize