My liver just broke up with me...
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
