I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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