His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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