so explain again why im purple
no
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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