She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Randomize
