I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
well, you know. whores of a feather.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
