I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
