You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Jerry, you need to find god
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
