i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
