she takes plan B like it's going out of style
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
