Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize