when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
