u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
We had sex on a dog bed..
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
