i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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