Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
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