life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
