youre lurking in front of me
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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